crash
i feel like i should tell the greatest rental car story ever told. if you have been to my photography website and read my intro, you may have noticed a bit about wrecking a rented fiat in southern italy. though it was life threatening, it was actually a very beautiful experience that still resonates in my mind today. and because i apparently have no problem typing my innermost thoughts permanently into the bowels of cyberspace, i shall continue to open up to the anonymous people that are hopefully reading my blog, AND re-posting, AND telling friends about it, AND linking to it.. c’mon help a brother out people.
so once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, i was bouncing around europe with my then long time on again off again girlfriend.. let’s call her… ummm… cruella. no be nice.. how about elizabeth. that’ll work… so yeah, me and elizabeth were in umbria, just outside of tuscany in the heart-achingly beautiful country of italy. we were staying in a house on the side of an amazing canyon into which sheepherders would lead their flocks down winding paths in the early glow of evening and we could see and hear them and their little bells ringing as we sipped wine from the porch. it was truly one of the best experiences of my life.
our rental vehicle for this portion of the trip was the beautifully functional fiat stilo wagon. here is what this car looks like before it is rented by american tourists:

ours was blue, but notice the heavenly glow..
the reason this car (and most european cars) are totally rad is that it is a turbo diesel, and it is a stick shift. and it comes stock with proper, actual alloy wheels. none of that plastic hubcap american crap. the rental policy was arranged through a service offered by elizabeths credit card company, and we had a very nice woman who was sort of like a translator/trip advisor and it was through her that we arranged the rental. we took this car all around the area, driving to all the different small towns and hamlets that ring the countryside in tuscany. one of these particular day trips landed us in sienna. sienna a whole different post. i could fill reams of paper or burn through multiple hard drives cataloguing the amazing history, beauty, and ambiance that all of the small cities in italy offer.
so we were in sienna, which is where they fill the main square with sand and make a horse racing track and the local neighborhoods compete in a very dangerous and very fast horse race. people get hurt. let’s leave it at that. we moseyed around, i took a billion pictures, eventually we had dinner and as the light faded we packed up and headed back to umbria. i should mention here that while elizabeth and i were quite fond of wine, and especially italian wine, and had been quite welcomed at numerous local restaurants all around umbria, we had not had more than a glass or two the whole day. i should also mention that i was driving… ahem. we were both wearing seatbelts. now, the roads in the italian countryside look a WHOLE LOT different at night. they are narrow, signage is merely a suggestion, and italians all think they are mario andretti. after about an hour or so we found ourselves traversing the narrow gravel road that wound down the side of the aforementioned canyon to where the house was. i should pause here to mention that elizabeth and i had been together for a while, though often the relationship was interrupted at length by turmoil, heartbreak, and the errant new love interest. (i am going to be very diplomatic here and leave it at that). this time around, we were more grown up, had kinda figured out how to make it work, and we were having a good time being actual functioning adults. and as an adult who had known this person for some time, i also knew very well how to piss her off at will. one of these techniques involved sliding cars around in gravel or snow. (other techniques included jumping out of closets and scaring the shit out of her, pulling out eyebrow hair with my fingers, and saying the word “ointment”).
so without further foreshadowing, here’s what went down: we were winding down this dark gravel road, unaware that it was actually on the side of the canyon because the tree cover was so thick. a porcupine like creature from another dimension the size of a freakin walrus ambled out of the darkness onto the road, i hit the brakes and the car slid a bit, freaking out elizabeth and delighting me to no end. so the next chance i got, i slipped the clutch a little bit and swung the car out again, only it went a little further than i thought and the left rear wheel went off the road. i stopped the car. i was laughing at elizabeth and she was throwing things at me when the car very slowly started to list to the left. it appears that the rear wheel was actually resting atop dense bushes, and those bushes gave way slowly, revealing a 60 degree slope underneath. let me tell you something: nothing will change the mood of a situation quicker then the sudden thought of imminent death. i promise. try it. and then, as the car slowly rolled over and landed back on its wheels, my reaction (because i am a retard) was to laugh at the thought of having to call a tow truck in italy and explain this.
but the car did not stop. it paused briefly, i looked across at elizabeth and said GET OUT. she opened the door, the little light went on, and outside the foliage was starting to roll again like the artificial horizon in an airplane. CLOSE THE DOOR. HOLD ON. i remember reaching my right arm across her chest and pushing as hard as i could as the car slowly and quite terrifyingly gained momentum. first side over side, then end over end. glass exploded around us, we could hear the car crumpling, the windshield caved in, the roof caved in… every now and then the lights would flicker on and we could see trees flying by, then the ground, then stars, it was surreal. i was looking over at elizabeth and every time the car would impact the earth or whatever, the dome light inside the car would go on and i could tell which direction the impact was coming from by the direction that elizabeths long hair flew and froze momentarily in the air. she was surrounded by sparkling shards of glass that looked like tiny twinkling stars hanging in the air. it was absolutely beautiful. incredible. awesome. it was silent, everything was just suspended in air and everything was in slow motion, and i wish i could have photographed it to show you.
maybe that seems crazy, but it is what i was thinking. i was not afraid. not one second. at the moment elizabeth closed the door and we started tumbling, i heard her say in a worried voice “when is it going to stop?” i then very briefly considered that at any moment we would hit a tree and die. and at this very moment a voice entered my head. all it said was ”you both will be ok, do not be afraid.” now because of my particular faith, i believe it was a guardian angel, or God, or maybe just a level of consciousness in which God exists, but i was instantly calm, and i think it was because of this that i was able to find beauty in the moment.
the car finally stopped on its right side. it was pitch black. we could smell fuel. we were bleeding. thankfully we were suspended in our seats by the belts. the airbags had not deployed. the roof was caved into the headrest where elizabeths head would have been had it not been out of the way at the exact second the roof was smashed. the doors were too mangled to open, but thankfully i am an Aries, stubborn and hardheaded, and my thick skull had shattered my driver side window. it was through this exit that i found myself climbing out of in a daze. i stood on the door of the car and reached in for my companion, my partner. she had instantly stopped being just my girlfriend. sometimes it takes something like a crash to wake you up i guess… she could not find her shoes, and was adamant about putting them on because she really liked them. we were in shock. i told her to leave the shoes already and pulled her out of the car. the car was steaming and hissing, and fuel vapor was everywhere. pieces of the car and tail lights still connected to wiring harnesses hung from the branches high above us. we had no idea what direction to go, as we were in very dense forest. we decided the best bet was to go back up the canyon through the giant swath the car had carved. it was very very steep, vertical in some places. did i mention it was the middle of the night? hand over hand we climbed like monkeys away from the car. blood was dripping down my arms from unseen cuts, and elizabeth was covered with glass. we were struggling, holding on to smaller trees and pulling each other up leapfrog style, at one point i slipped (i was only in socks at this point and she was barefoot) and started to tumble. elizabeth caught me by the loose jeans at my foot. when elizabeths feet began to get cut up from the rocks, i carried her on my back. something amazing had happened. we were working together, depending on each other. all the pain and tumult of how we had hurt each other in the past was gone. all the filters and walls were down, we were real, we were ourselves, we were together.
we stopped to rest on a ledge, we could not continue in the direction we were going because it was too steep. we began to go sideways, hoping to find a way through. just as the shock was wearing off and pain was setting in, i tripped on something. it was some sort of electrical conduit, and it ran straight up the slope. elizabeth held on to my belt and we got out of the canyon mountain climber style. we reached the road. it had taken us 2 hours to get out of the canyon. we stood up, we looked at each other in the moonlight, we hugged, laughed, cried. it was one of the happiest moments of my life. when we got to the house we stood next to each other and looked in the mirror. we were covered with dried blood, dirt, a few bruises.. but we were otherwise unharmed. we sat in a bathtub and took turns pulling shards of glass out of our scalps. we drank some wine. we slept.

this was the path the car left through the forest. the car had come to a stop 4 feet from a 12 foot drop. a tree 4 inches in diameter saved our lives. it caught the car just above the hood.

the tree that saved my life.


notice the beautiful view of the valley, just beyond the pile of busted car.

in the morning, we were certainly stiff. we had two calls to make, and i was not looking forward to either. first, the rental car facility, second to my girlfriends father. yippeee.
the woman who arranged the car was quite cheery as she answered the phone..”prrontoooh..” she cooed. ha. “hi… we’ve had a problem with the car…” oh! are you ok, did something break? she replied. “ah, well yes, the car is indeed broken..” oh don’t worry, this sort of thing happens a lot, the drivers in italy are crazy, fender benders are not uncommon. where is the car now? “ummm.. i’m not really sure.” what do you mean? “well, we rolled off the road last night, and when we walked up to see where, we could not find the car.” ……silence. are you ok? “Yes, we’re fine, thank you.” how bad is the car? “um.. again, we weren’t able to find it? but it’s probably pretty bad.” and then she said the most amazing thing ever said. she said: “OK, not to worry, i’ll have someone out with a new car for you in about 40 minutes.” as i live and breathe, that is what she said.
then i had to call elizabeths dad because we had reserved the car with his card. that conversation went something like this. “hey there, hello from italy how are you guys doing back in the states?” hi guys! how are you? wait, what time is it there? “oh, it’s early…” yeah… what’s wrong. “well? we had a little accident with the car…” silence… then: “if it was little, why are you calling me?” me- “well, we rolled down a mountain, we can’t find the car.” i heard her father relay this softly to her mother. then the shit hit the italian fan. at first they insisted i was joking (because once i called them from a scuba diving trip elizabeth and i were on and i very convincingly told them that she had been attacked by a shark. and gosh darn it they fell for it). so after i had to tell them i was not pulling their leg, there was a stern talking to delivered to me, the boyfriend, who was driving, and had endangered the life of their little girl, and what the hell is my problem. i think her father maybe asked if i was ok too, maybe…
then the car people showed up with a spankin new citroen. i was stoked because it was way nicer then the fiat and also a stick shift. i thought, well hell, i wonder what we will get if i wreck this one? a ferrari? that would be sweet. i did not say this out loud.
the car people had enlisted the help of some local farmer to find the car. it took them two days. when they found it, we all went out to observe. the italian farmers were looking at us puzzled. when it was explained to them that we had been in the car, they stared at us, touched us as if we were holy, and made the sign of the cross. the group decided that the only way to get the car out was to cut the small tree that had saved us and let the car roll the rest of the way down the hill. i was a little sentimental about them cutting the tree down… then five of us all lifted the down side of the car to roll it over, and it smashed onto the asphalt below. they removed it with a backhoe and a dumptruck. it was toast.

first they tied the car to another tree so it would not roll on the man cutting the little tree down.


i wish i could say that this story had a happy ending. well i guess it did. we are alive. we had experienced the threat of death together, elizabeth and i. we survived, we trusted each other with our lives. i had witnessed something so beautiful and taken part in the amazing bond it had created, and i thought it would last the rest of our lives. i don’t think i will ever understand why it didn’t. to me the lesson was this: there exists extraordinary beauty in the most challenging situations. i am truly blessed, and there is a purpose in my life i have not yet fulfilled.
i also learned that when renting a car, always, ALWAYS- get the full coverage.